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    GUEST POST: When Your Husband is Addicted to Porn

    Thursday, January 21, 2021


    Many of you who frequent this page are single. It is a blog about singleness, after all. But I do have many married and dating sisters-in-Christ that find themselves here. A common struggle in this world we live in is pornography. Most likely you will encounter it in a relationship. Or maybe you yourself, as a woman, struggle with it. 

    A brave sister-in-Christ reached out recently and wanted to share anonymously what God has been doing in her life after finding out her husband was addicted to porn. This post is meant in no way to point out other people’s sins. Rather, it is meant to give wisdom in how to respond when you encounter sins within a relationship. You can respond to sin by sinning. Or you can choose a response like Jesus. Search your heart and mind as you read this post. 


    As a wife who is married to a man who was ensnared by porn for more than half of our marriage, I wish I could say I handled the initial trauma of finding out in a Christ-like manner. Like most women, however, I immediately wanted a quick “get me out of this” solution.  What I was not anticipating was the whisper of the Holy Spirit opening my eyes to see this as an opportunity to apply all that He had been teaching me up to this point in my life. For example, about a month before this revelation I started reading a book titled: What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do by David Jeremiah.  I am not even sure how I got the book, but sitting in my hands, a month before all this mess, God placed this tool to equip me for “such a time as this.” 


    This book is an in-depth study about the book of James. You may recall that James begins with, “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, considerate an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” (James 1:2-4 NLT) So call this trial a testing of my faith!  I certainly did not want to “consider” it to be joyful, but today, I can tell you, I do consider it a great joy because I have grown closer to my Lord and Savior through this testing of my faith in Him. 


    If I would not have had a solid foundation in the love of Christ prior to this trial, my eyes would have been blind to see how the enemy wanted to keep me more focused on the emotional impact and his lies.  The enemy is good at keeping my eyes on me and the hurt from the sin that was thrown on me.  It felt like my husband’s sin was piled into a dump truck and was then dumped out on top of me.  This is where the enemy wanted me to sit, in the pit with all the yuck dumped on top of me.  His main purpose is to steal, kill and destroy, and that is exactly what this pit and pile of yuck was doing to me and my marriage whenever I was distracted, and my focus was on the sin. 


    To respond in a Christ-like manner with any trial we must first have a one-on-one intimate relationship with Christ and a deeper understanding of Him. After the initial shock and verbal outpouring of my hurt and anger, I went straight to the place that I had been going for years - my closet.  I was not going there to hide, but to be with the Lord.  My closet is where I go to pray.  A couple years before this trial I began going to my closet, getting on my knees, and talking to my Heavenly Father.  This was my safe place.  This is where I knew He would comfort me, hold me and where I knew my eyes and ears would be on Him.  I ran to Him because He had been loving me and teaching me. And at that point I knew He was the only One I could fully trust. 


    Every day, every hour, every minute I ran to Him. Every time my mind would race thinking about the evil of the sin, I would pray.  Every time I would begin to feel the tidal waves of pain crashing into me, I would go to His Word.  Every time the anger would begin to build up within me, I would turn on worship music and worship Him.  Instead of focusing on the sin, which is what the enemy would whisper for me to do, I would force myself to turn to Him by praying, reading His Word, calling my mentor or my closest, godly friends (who I knew would direct me back to Him), listen to worship music, turn on a sermon, or physically just look up to Him.  I was learning to renew my mind by: “Fixing my thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Thinking about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me-everything you heard from me and saw me doing.  Then the God of peace will be with you.” (Phil. 4:8-9 NLT)


    The enemy’s strategy is to try to focus my mind on the reality of the evil of the sin.  He would throw flaming arrows of lies at me to fuel the anger, the hurt, the unfairness, the betrayal, the yuck of the sin.  In Isaiah 54:17 (NLT) the Lord says, “But in that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed.  You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you.  These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the Lord; their vindication will come from Me.  I, the Lord, have spoken!”  Paul explains in 2 Cor. 10:3-5 (NLT), “We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do.  We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.  We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God.  We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.”  This was the waging war that was going on within my mind.  The battle was not between my husband and I, but with the Truth within me and my human reasoning fueled by the lies of the enemy.  He was out to destroy me, my husband, and my marriage.


    Listen, I did not do all this waging of war perfectly!  My flesh wants to do things my way by paying back evil for evil because that is what my husband deserves in my eyes. The enemy says, “yes and then some.” But the Word of God says, “See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.” 1 Thess. 5:15 (NLT).  This was and still is a daily process of transformation and sanctification all done by the grace and mercy of God. No one deserves grace, but I am thankful God gives grace freely to me and to my husband. 

    Some tough questions I am asked by other women who walk this road are, “How do you know if your husband has truly repented and understands the weight of his sin? How do you begin to trust your husband, love him and forgive him?”  I will never fully know all the details.  I will never fully know his heart and mind. But what I do know is he is responding every day the same way I do, by running daily to our Savior who guides us, protects us, and loves us unconditionally. 


    I am so thankful for those, like my sweet sister-in-Christ, who are willing to be brave and share their stories. I hope and pray this post encourages you to focus on God and what He is doing in your heart and life in the midst of difficult circumstances.

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