I was exposed to pornography at 8 years old by a friend, when I was too young to know that what I was seeing was wrong. Every time she came over, we would watch it together, which is when I learned what masturbation was. Watching pornography and masturbating soon became an addiction as I learned how to look it up for myself. I didn’t think about why I was watching porn or why I was masturbating, it just became a habit. I was young and naïve when I was introduced to pornography, and it quickly turned into a habit.
When I was 11 years old, I heard the word “pornography”
for the first time at youth group and realized that what I had been turning to
for comfort for over 3 years was wrong. The only thing I heard was -
“this is wrong”, and in turn, felt like I was undeserving of God’s grace. At
that point, a lot of shame and guilt fell over me, and I promised myself
that I wouldn’t tell anyone; I would get over my addiction to pornography and
masturbation by myself. Of course, that didn’t work, so two years later I
brought it to God - and He told me to tell a specific adult leader. I was
terrified of what that leader would say, since I was also a student leader, so
I told God no. God didn’t stop nudging at my heart though - I would fall again
and again, and I knew what He said to do. After wrestling with my own
shame for a while, I got the courage to tell her, and the first thing she said
to me was “I’m proud of you.”I thought that would be the end of it, but I kept struggling with it. It was then that I realized in order to be truly free, I would have to take practical steps. So I asked my mom to take my TV out of my room - even though I told her at the time that it was because I wanted to watch less T.V. - and I stopped sleeping with my phone nearby. It was clear that pornography and masturbation were things that I turned to when I was lonely, or needed comfort, so I took steps to find comfort in Jesus and Godly community instead of in porn, but progress was slow and felt impossible. Even with all of these practical steps, I kept slipping into habits formed in my childhood. It truly felt like a hopeless situation - like I would never get free.
It wasn’t until I found out about the crossover between human trafficking and pornography that I truly got my freedom. At 18, I was in the midst of raising money for a safehouse in Nepal, where girls who had been trafficked and exploited could be rescued and rehabilitated. God absolutely broke my heart for the victims and survivors of human trafficking, and I couldn’t bring myself to watch pornography any longer.
The truth is that shame keeps you quiet, and it keeps you bound in sin. Once you expose what is hidden, God can put His light on it and set you free from it, no matter if your freedom is immediate or a process over time.
Taylor
is 21 years old with a passion to see the captives set free. Her heart is to
see those addicted to pornography set free as well as those trafficked and
abused in the porn industry. Staying silent about the things that matter is not
her thing. She currently works for a missions organization called “Circuit
Riders” and is residing in Huntington Beach, California with her husband Alvin.
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