Guest Post: Singled Out Sister Abi

Cozy up on the couch with a hot cup of coffee and prepare to be blessed by Abi as she shares her heart and her singleness journey.

I’m not where I thought I would be in my life by now.

How did I even get here? I’m not sure how.

Three years, three breakups, three holes in my heart

Three times I was head over heels from the start.

Hoping, praying - “this is the one,”

But every loss felt like losing the sun.

Where did I go wrong? What did I do?

It’s hard not to blame yourself when the common denominator is you.

“I’ll be 22 when I get married,” I used to always say.

Now I’m 24, single, and praying for my wedding day.

It seems impossible now and I wonder if I’ll find him,

When the odds you’ll find your person seems so slim.

Waiting is painful and incredibly hard,

And when he does come along, he’ll have to break down my guard.

I’ve accumulated a fear that everyone will leave,

Finding someone to stay - that’s hard for me to believe.

I’ve prayed for my husband since I was 12 years old.

12 years later and my heart’s starting to grow cold.

“Have patience, your time will come,” they say,

But they don’t understand I’ve been praying for 4,380 days.

But I’ll keep praying, praying, and praying some more,

I’ll wait for the day when he walks through my door.

Because as much as I loved the men from my past,

I’ll love my soulmate even more than the last. 

Because I’ve been praying for him for thousands of days,

And when the time is right God will whisper to him my name.

But there’s still work to be done in this season of waiting,

Even if the wait is extremely frustrating.

But it won’t last forever, this I know for sure,

Even so, my husband won’t even be my cure.

The LORD is the only One to truly satisfy my soul;

He’s the only one who can heal my heart’s hole.

So even though I’m waiting for my husband to come,

I realize I’ve already been the Lord’s bride all along.

His love is the only One who will truly never fail,

And through every season His faithfulness will prevail.

Singleness is such a difficult topic for me to discuss, but I do have a lot to say on the topic. Singleness is hard for some, yet comfortable for others. Some women are so strong in their identity and “don’t need no man,” and I think that is something to applaud in today’s age. However, I am not one of those girls. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been the girl to be so miserable as a single woman. I am quite independent and even when I am in a relationship, I still live my own life. 

So let me try to explain. I remember laying in bed one night when I was 12 years old. I felt the LORD leading me to pray for my future husband. This was an intense feeling and the first time the LORD ever spoke to me. From that moment on, I knew I was called to be a wife. I’ve prayed for my future husband ever since that night. I’ve prayed hard before any relationship I’ve gotten in. I take relationships and marriage very seriously. Because of this experience, I truly believe God has a specific and special man chosen for me. He told me to pray for him when I was twelve. I’ve been faithful to that for twelve years now, even when I was in other relationships. 

I’ve waited for my calling to come true for over 12 years now. Yes, I understand you can’t get married when you’re 12, but that doesn’t mean the pain - the yearning for your calling to come true isn’t there. I’ve been waiting for my calling to come true for 12 years, and y’all, that’s hard.

People don’t understand that. People think that I just want to be married and YES, of course I do. But it’s more than just that for me. It’s been revealed to me that I would be a wife one day, and waiting for that is hard. 

I was close to marriage a few times in my life. I could see it. The guys I have dated have been good men. They all loved Jesus. They all loved me. Losing them all was like losing a piece of myself. Because I prayed before I got into those relationships, I believed they were the “one” for me. Because I invested so much energy into believing they were, it brought a lot of heartbreak for me when I found out they were not. So ladies, I’m going to tell you something that I tell myself: NOT EVERY GOOD, GODLY MAN IS THE MAN FOR YOU. Just because you pray about a relationship and God says, “yes,” to that relationship, doesn’t mean He says “yes” to them being “the one.” I think that was the hardest part for me. My last three relationships, I received a clear “yes” from the LORD. I interpreted that to mean “yes, this man is my husband.” However, this is not the case. I needed those relationships for the times of my life. I needed to learn valuable and incredibly important lessons from all three of them. 

So what now? I’ve been single for almost a year now. Y’all, let me be the first to tell you I’m not the same woman I was last March. Not even close. And I’m BEYOND thankful for that. The LORD has done so much work in my life by being single. He’s literally rebuilt me from the ground up - physically, emotionally, spiritually - all of it. I moved two times, began seminary, traveled to places I’ve never been, seen friends I haven’t seen in years, removed myself from a mental health disaster, and sought help that I needed. I could not be more grateful for the past year of singleness. 

What has God been teaching me now? Well, let me tell you! He is teaching me contentment. For many years I believed God was holding back from me. I dangled a piece of my future - a good part of my future - in my face only to laugh as I waited for Him to give it to me. And oh I am so sadly mistaken by that picture. There’s a verse in Psalm 84:11 that says, “For God will not withhold any good thing from he who walks uprightly.” God is not withholding good from me. God is not withholding anything good from you either. He has given you EVERYTHING good that you need right now, in this moment. Everything in your life and in my life is for our good RIGHT NOW. 

I don’t want to spend these years of singleness being miserable and longing for a husband. I don’t want to look back and say, “I wish I would’ve _____ in those days.” Because ladies, we were not created to marry a man. We were created to worship the One true King who died for you and who died for me. That’s what I’m learning right now. Even when I get married, my problems won’t completely fade away. I will still have generalized anxiety disorder. I will still cry. I will still be sad. I will still be lonely. Being married doesn’t fix all those problems. Jesus does. Jesus is the One who will truly only satisfy my soul. 

God is completely faithful and trustworthy. He will fulfill every promise that He has made, but He will do it in His own timing - not mine. His timing is good. He’s given me and will continue to give me good things. Though I am called to be a wife - and God will fulfill that calling - I was created to be the bride of Christ, first.

Abi just recently moved to the Nashville area and works full-time as an Administrative Assistant for a company called CLEAResult. She feels her calling is to work in the community and spread the Gospel; therefore, she is currently attending seminary online at Fuller Theological Seminary to get a Master’s of Theology and Ministry degree. She loves fitness, movies, painting, hanging out with friends and family, and her dog, Max. As an Enneagram 2, she has lots of emotions and loves people deeply. She claims to be a hopeless romantic and can quote any scene of The Notebook.